Batman VS Superman: The TRUE Story!
by LorddHumungous
Summary: In that Batman vs Superman movie from yesteryear, neither Batman nor Superman act in character. I'm changing that. This is how that movie would've gone down if it was the real Batman and the real Superman.
1. Chapter 1

Our story begins with the caped crusader sitting around in the bat cave. Batman has a black wii u because he says it's the best game console out there. He doesn't use the virtual console on the wii u because he says that's for worthless nostalgia-tards (even though he has played a hundred and twenty hours of wind-waker within the past month). After getting done watching the latest season of "The real housewives of Coast City" on Netflix, the dark knight stands up after nearly two days so that he can go bore his elderly butler Alfred to tears for almost a whole day by telling him about all the drama going on in his show.

Alfred took a serious risk by coming to the batcave that day. He came so he could grab his lottery card with which he'll win two hundred dollars if he turns it in later in the afternoon. He sees batman approaching just as he is moving papers on the bat-computer's desk. He begins frantically picking up objects and looking under them.

"Looking for something?" Batman asks, holding up the lottery card. Alfred left it there earlier in the week, but since he knew batman was about to start binge-watching his show he left quickly without grabbing it. Batman must have found it when he went to get something to eat.

"Bruce, what are you doing with my lottery card?" Alfred asks.

"You know how poor I am, Alfred. I need this money." Batman says.

"Jesus Christ, Bruce! You aren't poor just because you lost your mass coin mine!"

Batman has an obligatory flash back to when he lost his mass coin mine. Bruce Wayne is running through the streets of metropolis as buildings fall, entire city blocks explode, and two gods fight in the sky. Bruce watches as Superman throws ambassador Zod through a school full of children.

"You'll never take my earth!" Superman yells as he tears a kid's legs off and uses them like drumsticks to hit Zod in the head.

"We didn't ask for earth, we asked if we could live on Mars! Is there life on Mars already or something?" Zod asks before Superman snaps his neck.

"Jerry, are the Asians still at work? Tell them they can't leave! Just stay put!" Bruce says into his cellphone. Bruce runs down the street towards his giant coin mine.

Superman then throws the ship full of kryptonian babies into the giant building. Dead Asians and computers fly everywhere as the whole building levels to the ground.

"MY coinS!" Bruce yells. He runs into the rubble. He drags an Asian out which is barely alive.

"Are you okay? What's five hundred and thirty five squared?! Come on!" Bruce yells before seeing that the Asian doesn't even have hands so he can't type. Bruce looks up at superman and glares.

"Those coins were everything, Alfred. What am I without them?"

"A billionaire!" Alfred shouts.

"No need to be salty, Alf. I'll give you your lottery ticket, but only if you tell me where the Arkham city disk is." Batman says.

"It's under the bat-couch." Alfred says. Batman throws down a smoke pellet and the whole room fills with smoke. Alfred coughs his old lungs out. When the smoke clears the ticket is on the floor. Batman is once again sitting around. He puts Arkham city in the Wii u for the first time. All the menus look promising since he's on all of them. When the game starts with him playing as cat woman, he turns off the Wii-u.

"Motherfucker! All I wanted was to have a vidya of myself on my Wii-u, and fucking rocksteady made the game about cat woman instead!? That's it! Alfred, I'm gonna go out and fight crime, I'll be back in a little bit." Batman says. Batman gets into the bat-tank and drives it out of the bat-cave.

"When he caught me watchin Clannad, dat nigga said boi, y'all gotta stop wit dat anime shit cuz you ain't a true nigga." A black kid says to his friends as they leave a convenient store in the hood.

"Damn nigga, my dad wouldn't do none of dat shit cuz he ain't even around anymo', but my nigga that-" the bat-tank silently comes out from behind the store.

"How are we doing tonight, boys?" Batman asks through the bat-tank's speakers.

"Aw shit!" The black kids start running. The bat-tank's machine gun cuts them down with full-metal jacketed fifty caliber rounds. The tank starts patrolling the streets as usual, shooting any black people that dare come out of their little poor houses. Batman continues to drive through the poor neighborhood until he sees a big white van pulled up on the sidewalk. A couple of men are dragging two black teenagers out of a house, and they throw them into the van.

"Alfred, who owns that van? A couple guys are using to nigger-nap some blacks." Batman says.

"It looks to be a Lex-corp van, sir." Alfred says.

"What makes you think you can steal them? This is my turf!" Batman says through the speakers. Batman shoots a rocket from the bat-tank at the van. The van explodes, sending charred, dead black kids flying everywhere.

Batman drives back to the bat-cave and parks the bat-tank. He is immediately confronted by Alfred.

"Sir, I did the math while you were gone, and you should still have around three billion dollars in the bank." Alfred says.

"Shut it, Alfred. You're my slave, so you shouldn't be concerned with my money." Batman says.

"Slave?! How am I your slave?!" Alfred asks.

"A butler is essentially just a paid slave you can't hit, and believe me Alfred, if I was legally allowed to hit you youd've been dead last year." Batman says.

"I assumed you knew little about how the law works, considering how you used all those coins." Alfred says.

"You little rat!" Batman yells.

"You made crime worse in Gotham by using said unregulated currency to buy all sorts of drugs, red-rooms, necrophelia and child porn, getting millions of dollars worth of illegal guns, and buying homeless children!"

"Yeah well fuck you Alfred! I'm batman! I fight crime and do what's right!" Batman says. He pulls out the bat-gun and shoots Alfred, sending Alfred falling over the railing of the bat-cave where he tumbles to his death.

"Aw shit, now I gotta find a new servant." Batman says.

"Hey, master!" A small emaciated child says after crawling out of a hole in the side of the cave.

"Oh yeah, I forgot! I left you in here to fend for yourself! So, Robin, wanna go take down a big bad business man with me?" Batman asks.


	2. Chapter 2

Lex is in the underground section of the Lexcorp building. He is sitting in a big, evil looking chair while he watches episodes of Stan Lee's super humans. Lex hates people with superpowers because he's a little shit who's jealous of them, but instead always says it's because he has daddy issues, then applies a set of logic that only works when disproving god's existence to say they're all evil.

Lex gets a Facebook notification, and looks at it. It's from "The Bat". Lex had been sending money to The Bat in exchange for top secret videos of real life superheroes so he can put hits out on them. There was one time where he had the bat personally kill some goof with a ring, but for the most part the bat is too lazy to do anything but send the videos. Today's video is of a kid trying to go super sayan, but just yelling really loudly.

"Oh Reginald! We have another super hero!" Lex shouts. A big guy comes up to Lex

"Who is it this time? What's their power?" Reginald asks.

"Well, have you seen dragon ball Z?" Lex asks. Reginald facepalms.

"Yeah alright, I gotta ask before you keep going, how do you expect to turn these kids you keep catching into super powered monsters? And, like, isn't it pretty retarded to use evil super powered guys to kill what you perceive as other bad super powered guys? Like, where's your moral high ground there?" Reginald asks.

"Well, I'm turning them into satan monsters using science, and I'm killing the supers because they can't be all powerful and all good at the same time." Lex says.

"What? But the supers you're making are evil too, and the supers in those videos aren't omnipotent or something." Reginald says. Lex looks at his watch, then says nothing as he runs upstairs.

At the Lexcorp office, it is break time on floor one. Two workers are sitting around, drinking coffee, and discussing hockey or something. Lex Luthor, trying to be like the bosses he's seen in movies, he walks up behind them, and slaps a hand on each of their shoulders.

"Get back to work." He says because he's trying to act like he has the eyes of a hawk and has caught them slacking off. Without another work being exchanged, the little brat goes to terrorize more of his employees. He finds more easy prey; two guys standing around eating sandwiches. Lex the T-Rex closes in on his victims, but not before listening in on their conversation a little.

"That Lex kid is such a little fuckboy, like, I saw him trying to act cool the other day when he was showing around an intern, and when they got to the no smoking signs, he took out a vape pen and let loose the whimpiest, clear puff of smoke ever, coughed for a minute, then still red eyed, winked at the guy." Lex does not take him too seriously, because though he had only vaped that one time to prove how much of a rebel he was to that kid, he thought he took it very well despite coughing and tearing up. This man probably was very intimidated by his vape skills.

"Yeah, that's pretty pathetic, but there was this one time where I was in a stall in the bathroom, and lex strolls in, gets in the stall next to me, and taps his foot a couple times, which is truck stop bathroom talk for you suck my dick, I'll suck yours." Normally Lex would run and cry, but he feels his prowess as cool boss has been challenged, so he gets filled with adrenaline, and the rage of a beast. Lex emerges, goes up to the man, and tries to prove his wirey ass as the bigger alpha male even though he's a shrill little twat. Lex has seen spy next door, so he knows how to kick someones ass if they cross him. In his mind, he's about to become a legend.

Lex walks up to them, leans on a water cooler, and forgets whatever one liner he had prepared in his head. After an awkward, silent moment of staring at the two, he attempts to leap up and kick both of them on the head at once, but instead he begins a back flip and hits his head on a wall. His neck then slams into the floor. The two guys go up to him and try to get him back onto his feet.

"You okay, Lex?" One of them asks.

"No! Get off me you primates!" Lex yells, visibly crying. Lex gets up and runs to the nearest exit. He thinks these guys are going to chase him and kick his monkey ass. He runs up and slams into a door. Lex becomes so terrified that only one sound can escape from him.

"NOO!" Lex yells so loud that people on all floors can hear.

"Lex! That door says pull!" One of the guys shouts. Lex runs out the door, and in all of his infinite wisdom runs into the middle of the street and is hit by a car, sending him tumbling across the road.


End file.
